Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

water it, i dare you

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Help

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”