saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

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Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!



Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.


I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?


TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…


Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.


My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.


Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.


Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.


Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…