@Prof_Hinkley *my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
@omically saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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@Prof_Hinkley 
@UnicornSyrup I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
@Mikecanrant The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
*locks doors*
@tchrquotes There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
@BuckyIsotope WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
@WhatsAGreenhorn Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
@TrueTorontoGirl I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
@DanMentos “I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
@QwertyJones3 The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
@shopkins776 Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want