saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
new year update: losing everything but weight
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago