*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want