saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Good morning.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead