Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.