Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
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like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut