Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?