Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.