Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.