Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.