Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

#Caturday

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Lmao

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.