Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Google Pay be like:

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray