Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs