Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

That eye roll….

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..