says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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Oh hi lol
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
🤣🤣🤣
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
