says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Fat chances are my favorite chances