says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park