Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

edward fingerhands

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.