[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
the council will decide your fate
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My work here is done
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
what could possibly go wrong?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives