Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

He has no idea 🤡

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.