Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

me opening up to someone

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness