@UncleDuke1969

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

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@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

@MsTexas1967

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@Dawn_M_

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

@dreamthievin

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@psinerd

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and