“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.