Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.