Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

time machine? you mean a clock?

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.