SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
getting seasonal up in here
