Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

W

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them