Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Only short people can save us

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.