Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.