Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

Worlds greatest photobomb

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy