[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.