[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.