Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.