Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.