Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!