Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again