Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

sry

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

my mind

You just read my mind

the icebreaker

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it