Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

wtf management?!

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”