Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.