Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why