@vangobot

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

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@Reverend_Scott

COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN

“have a police dog?”

COPS: YES

“only the dog can come in”

COP: BUT-

“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

@david8hughes

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

@3sunzzz

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

@jollyrobber

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

@ClichedOut

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

@Vodkantots

Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@gabemakesmusic

I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children