Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
good morning
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
