SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
This is a whole mood;
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!