Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors