SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die