Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Hey Fugeddaboutit

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

not seeing the problem

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

wut hotdog?