can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
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You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.
Things Red Bull has given me:
3) a heart attack
Things Red Bull has not given me:
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.
“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!
The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex 😉 ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie