SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Challenge accepted.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔