SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
You Might Also Like
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.