scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.