scares
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
sensitive skin
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I identify as an antique shop.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.