Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

The Compass

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.