Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

I’d rather go liquor treating.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

logging onto twitter…

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…