Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment