Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

good morning

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.