Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.