Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
This why you should mind your business
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines