Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
🤣😂🤣😂
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?