@notnotscotty

scary movies imply the existence of baby movies, sporty movies, posh movies and ginger movies

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@batkaren

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

@VikingBut

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@JustMeTurtle

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

@pittdave13

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room