Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’