scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”