Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.