Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*