Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

selena gomez

This is always good for a laugh.