Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

channeling her this year

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.