[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You Might Also Like
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
So sorry
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
This could’ve been an email.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum