Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

We don’t deserve birds.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure