Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit