Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
im gay on my mothers side
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.