Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”