Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice