[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply