Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

I mean…but I did

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Well well well…

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.