Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Me irl

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Holy shit he’s back

Cake safety first. Always.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.