Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”