Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Good boy 😂😂

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope