Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.