Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

pain

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

real

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Dumple

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.