scenes of unspeakable carnage
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.