scenes of unspeakable carnage
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
