scenes of unspeakable carnage
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
😂🐈⬛
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.